“You manifest that which is before you.”

Nameless guilt & lazy sunshine

Clancy,

No matter how many apartments we have lived in alone, or together, I have never really felt ‘on my own’.
I suppose it’s because of all the space you and D seemed to take up in my day, even if we only had one real conversation a week.
I have made the right decisions though, so this is a long time coming.

(The sun just forced it’s way through the depth of rain and cloud cover. I can’t see it, but just enough light is getting through and it’s changed the color cast of my living room. It is almost four o’clock in the afternoon.
I sleep more here. Something I should be grateful for, but instead I have guilt.
I picture you smiling at me now, rolling your eyes at nameless guilt, all over a little lazy sunlight.)

I talked to our girl last night. She called me late, after the babies were asleep, and sounded misplaced.
She talked about all the boxes everywhere and her blank walls. I thought about our talk this morning, and how you called me a ‘blank canvas’, and all I feel like is one of those blank walls in her apartment. Waiting for something to cover me.
I couldn’t say it back to you though. Not when you told me that I am living the dream.
I hate it when you’re right.
But I want you to know that I see it that way because of your love and support.

The sun just came out completely.
I’ll write more tomorrow.

Endlessly,
r.

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One thought on ““You manifest that which is before you.”

  1. You are far from a “blank canvas.”

    Like any good artist, you have prepared the canvas with a stout frame and filled in the soaring backdrop with distant images, your hopes and plans.

    Now, the middle foreground is taking shape. It may be a bit misty but has that “light” you recognize so well.

    No, your canvas is not blank, but ready for the thrill and excitement of things to come. GO FOR IT!!

    Phil

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